VandyS4's Definitive B5 S4 FAQ, Now with Glossary. (note: no real information)
05-25-2005, 02:41 PM
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VandyS4's Definitive B5 S4 FAQ, Now with Glossary. (note: no real information)
Everything below is light-hearted satire. Please don't ban me, too.
Newsflash - Any post made by bnl107, on any topic, automatically and comprehensively violates every AudiWorld rule in existence.
Since the search engine is dead, and because I have nothing to do until June, this guide can be used to humorously answer any n00b questions.
Stage 1 = chip
Stage 2 = chip + catback
Stage 2+ = chip + turboback
Stage 3 = Stage 2+ and bigger turbos
Stage 3+ = Created after a few people decided that the first three stages were too easy to understand. This can mean pretty much anything you want. We could make more stages, but we need to be able to flame n00bs for something so it's best for us to keep it confusing.
M and T box are interchangeable. A box is fastest. 2nd gear synchros suck. TIPs suck. TIP chips make TIPs suck only slightly less, but they will eventually suck much more when they grenade. Buy a Level 10 tranny.
The best mod is driving school, although that's not really a "mod," per se. Somebody was witty and called it a mod, now everybody's riding that train. It's very "enthusiast," like a password or secret handshake.
The B6 S4 guys are like the retarded mutant brother you keep locked in the basement, but in this case the basement is the B6 S4 forum. You can lurk their forum and watch as they ask stupid questions and beat each other with sticks, but don't post anything.
B5 S4 has a V6. B6 S4 has a V8.
B5 > B6. 'Nuff said.
Dentist drill means dying turbos. Look, if you have to ask if you have the dentist drill, YOU DON'T HAVE IT! It sounds like 1000 screaming babies in your engine baby. Siren noise also means dying turbos. Does chipping them, making them work at 200% of their designed capacity, make them die faster? Of course not.
We are not clairevoyant, we can't tell you when your turbos are going to blow. When they finally blow, let us all know by making a no-text post with the Turbolady pic...just like everybody else does. Everybody will tell you to get K04s, K04/16s, and K16/24s. While you're at it, get a turbonator, too.
According to UberVier, the difference between K03s and K04s is 1. That's about it. It's like dungeons and dragons. A K04 is a K03 +1, but we just shorten it to K04. Easy.
Intercoolers? Get a DUH FMIC. No, DUH is the shop that makes it. Yeah, it's they're real name. No, I don't know wtf they were thinking. Just order one. It'll arrive just before the second coming of Christ.
You don't need a turbo timer, just install the thermoswitch mod from ECS. The thermoswitch is under the coolant expansion tank, but make sure you release the pressure first. You installed it? Cool, but now your battery's dead. Buy a new one for about the price of that turbo timer you wanted.
The engine can handle nitrous. Get a boost gauge, but for god's sake don't install it yourself unless you're wearing a full suit of riot gear.
The original stock TBB tore alot. They revised it. The revised TBB tears just as much. High five, Audi. Rushing air sound is a boost leak. Spray soapy water on stuff to find it. Blowoff sound is dead diverter valves. No, you can't use blowoff valves. Get 710Ns. No, Forged DVs aren't worth the money.
F-hose is not another word for your *****.
TAP chip is so fast it doesn't even need boost. MTM spikes highest. Everybody is sketched out by REVO. AMS is solid. Neuspeed makes a chip, but nobody buys it since TAP is *way* faster. GIAC is weaksauce, APR is not. After all, if APR is weaksauce why is my 4000mile pair of K03s making the siren again?
-----------------------------------------------
ATTN: Everybody who says the Dorito chip is the fastest.
You are not funny.
-----------------------------------------------
FATS means For Advancement of The S, and a FATS time is a 3rd gear pull from ~4200 to ~6500rpm (60-90). If you measured your FATS time with a stopwatch, *everybody* will laugh at you.
Don't cut your springs. Don't put a wing on your car. Don't buy that LLtek bodykit. You bought it? Burn your car.
Your stock S4 Avus rims are worth approximately tree fiddy. Contrary to popular belief, Ronal makes wheels for Audi.
Shortshifters? Some say the Tanoga is notchy, other say it's not. A handful really like the B&M, but some people say it's too notchy. The UUC is popular, though a few people complained of its notchiness and are happy with a Tanoga, which isn't notchy at all. Many B&M owners go to a Toyguy because it's notchier than their B&M, which they found too smooth. The TIP guys watch all this arguing and laugh, which is about all they can do since their trannies just blew up.
Borla makes the best sounding exhaust. Milltek is overpriced, but "classiest," whatever the hell that means. Milltek owners are snobs. Twin2 sucks. The UUC VelociMax is so damn loud it could drown out the apocalypse. NONE of these exhausts fit right...except Borla, which is awesome. Don't buy downpipes, just make piggies (stock DPs, gutted precats, relocated O2 sensors). Not worth the extra cash. Will somebody please buy that ridiculous Neuspeed race exhaust - I need a laugh. When it comes to exhaust sound, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Speaking of eyes, cancel the eyelid order. Eyelids are rice. Watch out for the AW ricer lynch mobs. They eat babies.
The whistle tips go Woo Wooooooooo.
If you live in NY/NJ/CT, you have two choices. 1) Sleep in your car, shotgun in hand. 2) Just leave the doors open with the keys in the ignition. Your car WILL be stolen. Half the forum will be very sympathetic when it happens, the other half will flame you for not hiring a team of Navy SEALs to sit in your car while you sleep.
Yes, black is fastest.
It's Nogaro. Not noraga, nagoro, nagaro, norogo, or nogara.
Your paint is *what* color? Santrino? God help us.
Achet gray was euro only.
Sure, you can order K04s with any tuner's "Buy it now and we'll never fvcking send it to you, EVER" system. It's going to be so cool when you don't get them. Yes, Garrett kits are in the works. MAHA dynos > other dynos, but don't say so or the forum becomes about as peaceful as the LA riots.
11.5 is the fastest 1/4 et for a *relatively* off-the-shelf kit. It was stripped. Best launch at around 3500rpm on the upswing towards 4k, but you'll probably destroy your motor mounts so buy new ones from APR. Some people say you can install them with the bumper on. They're either liars or contortionists. I tried it with the bumper on and my elbow snapped like a twig.
I don't want to dump at 6000rpm, so you try it and report back to me. If you're gonna try that 6000rpm clutch dump, better do it with a SPEC clutch...they're bulletproof. Once your SPEC clutch obliterates itself, argue with SPEC for a replacement. They won't send you one, so just get a beefed up RS4 clutch from ECS.
RS4 clutch = S4 disk + RS4 pressure plate.
DO NOT try to port your heads with dry sand, or while the heads are still attached...and especially not when the engine is running. If you do, the only way to fix it is to rig your DVs like blowoff valves to get all the sand out.
The seats rattle. Yes, so does the sunroof. Your washer fluid drained? Ha. No, AOA doesn't care about any of this. What's AOA? If Audiworld is the 1960's, AOA is 'the man.' Don't try to fight the man, because, just like the hippies, you'll lose.
Some dealers are mod-friendly, some aren't. Yours probably isn't, but try anyway so we can all find great pleasure in reading about your misery.
Everybody's gonna get banned. Free Autospeed. Eric Fletcher 'knows everything.' Everybody hates Achtuning. S4MadManDan is a postwhore. DocSlow is a white gary coleman. Everybody loves Achtuning. Simmply knows his stuff. The bollocks will be back. Toyguy is alive. Reefer_bob will *always* outbid you. Piggy is the ****. Jacob wishes he had been born a turbo. Verruckt is in Germany (cops like his car). Mpwolf betrayed the clan. I should never, ever, ever be allowed near my car with any sort of tool.
What they didn't tell you when you bought this car was that you were also buying a life so brimming with anxiety and paranoia that it makes Osama Bin Laden's life seem like a Corona commercial.
Oh, and yeah, we all saw the S4 in the Matrix.
***Glossary***
RTFM = I'm an ***, and I don't want to help you, which is why I'm using this acronym you don't understand. Look how cool I am! When you finally ask what this means, ten people will respond with various sexual/offensive definitions that are all hilariously incorrect. I will get a huge kick out of this.
STFA = You probably don't know what this means, either. Anyway, yes, I could answer your question, but I won't. Go spend 30 minutes figuring out that the search engine is completely useless, and then return to explain as much. Still want the answer? RTFM. (Hilarious!)
AID: Essentially, this is the size of your e-*****. However, the relationship between AID and e-dick size is inverse. The lower the number, the larger your e-*******. There's a pecking order here at Audiworld, and if you've just gotten here, you're at the back of a hundred-thousand person line. Until there are at least ten thousand people behind you, you are only here for our amusement.
FLAMES: Offensive remarks made by other Audiworlders directed towards other Audiworlders. Throughout the Audiworld boards, flame posts make up about 50% of the total posts. In the B5 S4 forum, that percentage rises to about 100%, this post being the one exception.
PEB: These are the extremist weirdos of the S4 world. Their system of beliefs centers around sacrificial rituals that beseech their stupid porcine deity to bless their cars with so-called "Piggie Power." Their group is headed up by a reclusive pig-loving genius that never answers his emails (ever), known only as Mr. Piggy. Their holy texts are the Book of Lemmiwinks and the Scrolls of Homebrew. PEB members, or "piggies," can be distinguished by the @PEB in their handles as well as images of pig worship in their pic posters or sigs. Because they do little other than tweak their cars in the shadowy confines of a garage, exposure to natural sunlight tends to make them burst in to flames.
1 = !
BOOST GAUGE: A mechanical device born in the deepest levels of Hell and is powered by the misery of its owner. Installing a Boost Gauge will help keep you aware of possible boost leaks. However, because this car is so prone to catastrophic boost leaks, the gauge only serves to reduce your life to nothing more than a series of paralyzing anxiety attacks.
TBB: Don't know what this is? Well guess what, yours is broken, and if you don't fix it *right now* your turbos will explode! I see you're sweating now. Welcome to the wonderful world of S4 ownership. No more happiness for you.
O/T: If Audiworld is Ancient Rome (bear with me), O/T is the Colisseum. Violence. Blood. Death. Russel Crowe. Not for the faint of heart.
<img src="https://forums.audiworld.com/pics/nt.gif"> = Apparently, this means "click here."
BWW: I've taken a lot of cool pictures of either my car or somebody else's car. However, because I'm so artistic (read: ghey) all the images are so slanted they're basically upside down. I don't care what you have to do to view them normally, but if you get hurt, you can't sue -> my AID is lower than yours, bish.
NOS: aka N2O, nitrous, or NAWZZZZZ. Makes your car so fast the world blurs around you. While NOS is usually relatively safe, it will become extremely dangerous if shot at by an asian dude with an Uzi.
PWND: When this is said to you, it means that somebody has made you their bitch. When you have been PWND, you are required to post pics of boobies. That said, nobody really knows how to pronounce this.
Newsflash - Any post made by bnl107, on any topic, automatically and comprehensively violates every AudiWorld rule in existence.
Since the search engine is dead, and because I have nothing to do until June, this guide can be used to humorously answer any n00b questions.
Stage 1 = chip
Stage 2 = chip + catback
Stage 2+ = chip + turboback
Stage 3 = Stage 2+ and bigger turbos
Stage 3+ = Created after a few people decided that the first three stages were too easy to understand. This can mean pretty much anything you want. We could make more stages, but we need to be able to flame n00bs for something so it's best for us to keep it confusing.
M and T box are interchangeable. A box is fastest. 2nd gear synchros suck. TIPs suck. TIP chips make TIPs suck only slightly less, but they will eventually suck much more when they grenade. Buy a Level 10 tranny.
The best mod is driving school, although that's not really a "mod," per se. Somebody was witty and called it a mod, now everybody's riding that train. It's very "enthusiast," like a password or secret handshake.
The B6 S4 guys are like the retarded mutant brother you keep locked in the basement, but in this case the basement is the B6 S4 forum. You can lurk their forum and watch as they ask stupid questions and beat each other with sticks, but don't post anything.
B5 S4 has a V6. B6 S4 has a V8.
B5 > B6. 'Nuff said.
Dentist drill means dying turbos. Look, if you have to ask if you have the dentist drill, YOU DON'T HAVE IT! It sounds like 1000 screaming babies in your engine baby. Siren noise also means dying turbos. Does chipping them, making them work at 200% of their designed capacity, make them die faster? Of course not.
We are not clairevoyant, we can't tell you when your turbos are going to blow. When they finally blow, let us all know by making a no-text post with the Turbolady pic...just like everybody else does. Everybody will tell you to get K04s, K04/16s, and K16/24s. While you're at it, get a turbonator, too.
According to UberVier, the difference between K03s and K04s is 1. That's about it. It's like dungeons and dragons. A K04 is a K03 +1, but we just shorten it to K04. Easy.
Intercoolers? Get a DUH FMIC. No, DUH is the shop that makes it. Yeah, it's they're real name. No, I don't know wtf they were thinking. Just order one. It'll arrive just before the second coming of Christ.
You don't need a turbo timer, just install the thermoswitch mod from ECS. The thermoswitch is under the coolant expansion tank, but make sure you release the pressure first. You installed it? Cool, but now your battery's dead. Buy a new one for about the price of that turbo timer you wanted.
The engine can handle nitrous. Get a boost gauge, but for god's sake don't install it yourself unless you're wearing a full suit of riot gear.
The original stock TBB tore alot. They revised it. The revised TBB tears just as much. High five, Audi. Rushing air sound is a boost leak. Spray soapy water on stuff to find it. Blowoff sound is dead diverter valves. No, you can't use blowoff valves. Get 710Ns. No, Forged DVs aren't worth the money.
F-hose is not another word for your *****.
TAP chip is so fast it doesn't even need boost. MTM spikes highest. Everybody is sketched out by REVO. AMS is solid. Neuspeed makes a chip, but nobody buys it since TAP is *way* faster. GIAC is weaksauce, APR is not. After all, if APR is weaksauce why is my 4000mile pair of K03s making the siren again?
-----------------------------------------------
ATTN: Everybody who says the Dorito chip is the fastest.
You are not funny.
-----------------------------------------------
FATS means For Advancement of The S, and a FATS time is a 3rd gear pull from ~4200 to ~6500rpm (60-90). If you measured your FATS time with a stopwatch, *everybody* will laugh at you.
Don't cut your springs. Don't put a wing on your car. Don't buy that LLtek bodykit. You bought it? Burn your car.
Your stock S4 Avus rims are worth approximately tree fiddy. Contrary to popular belief, Ronal makes wheels for Audi.
Shortshifters? Some say the Tanoga is notchy, other say it's not. A handful really like the B&M, but some people say it's too notchy. The UUC is popular, though a few people complained of its notchiness and are happy with a Tanoga, which isn't notchy at all. Many B&M owners go to a Toyguy because it's notchier than their B&M, which they found too smooth. The TIP guys watch all this arguing and laugh, which is about all they can do since their trannies just blew up.
Borla makes the best sounding exhaust. Milltek is overpriced, but "classiest," whatever the hell that means. Milltek owners are snobs. Twin2 sucks. The UUC VelociMax is so damn loud it could drown out the apocalypse. NONE of these exhausts fit right...except Borla, which is awesome. Don't buy downpipes, just make piggies (stock DPs, gutted precats, relocated O2 sensors). Not worth the extra cash. Will somebody please buy that ridiculous Neuspeed race exhaust - I need a laugh. When it comes to exhaust sound, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Speaking of eyes, cancel the eyelid order. Eyelids are rice. Watch out for the AW ricer lynch mobs. They eat babies.
The whistle tips go Woo Wooooooooo.
If you live in NY/NJ/CT, you have two choices. 1) Sleep in your car, shotgun in hand. 2) Just leave the doors open with the keys in the ignition. Your car WILL be stolen. Half the forum will be very sympathetic when it happens, the other half will flame you for not hiring a team of Navy SEALs to sit in your car while you sleep.
Yes, black is fastest.
It's Nogaro. Not noraga, nagoro, nagaro, norogo, or nogara.
Your paint is *what* color? Santrino? God help us.
Achet gray was euro only.
Sure, you can order K04s with any tuner's "Buy it now and we'll never fvcking send it to you, EVER" system. It's going to be so cool when you don't get them. Yes, Garrett kits are in the works. MAHA dynos > other dynos, but don't say so or the forum becomes about as peaceful as the LA riots.
11.5 is the fastest 1/4 et for a *relatively* off-the-shelf kit. It was stripped. Best launch at around 3500rpm on the upswing towards 4k, but you'll probably destroy your motor mounts so buy new ones from APR. Some people say you can install them with the bumper on. They're either liars or contortionists. I tried it with the bumper on and my elbow snapped like a twig.
I don't want to dump at 6000rpm, so you try it and report back to me. If you're gonna try that 6000rpm clutch dump, better do it with a SPEC clutch...they're bulletproof. Once your SPEC clutch obliterates itself, argue with SPEC for a replacement. They won't send you one, so just get a beefed up RS4 clutch from ECS.
RS4 clutch = S4 disk + RS4 pressure plate.
DO NOT try to port your heads with dry sand, or while the heads are still attached...and especially not when the engine is running. If you do, the only way to fix it is to rig your DVs like blowoff valves to get all the sand out.
The seats rattle. Yes, so does the sunroof. Your washer fluid drained? Ha. No, AOA doesn't care about any of this. What's AOA? If Audiworld is the 1960's, AOA is 'the man.' Don't try to fight the man, because, just like the hippies, you'll lose.
Some dealers are mod-friendly, some aren't. Yours probably isn't, but try anyway so we can all find great pleasure in reading about your misery.
Everybody's gonna get banned. Free Autospeed. Eric Fletcher 'knows everything.' Everybody hates Achtuning. S4MadManDan is a postwhore. DocSlow is a white gary coleman. Everybody loves Achtuning. Simmply knows his stuff. The bollocks will be back. Toyguy is alive. Reefer_bob will *always* outbid you. Piggy is the ****. Jacob wishes he had been born a turbo. Verruckt is in Germany (cops like his car). Mpwolf betrayed the clan. I should never, ever, ever be allowed near my car with any sort of tool.
What they didn't tell you when you bought this car was that you were also buying a life so brimming with anxiety and paranoia that it makes Osama Bin Laden's life seem like a Corona commercial.
Oh, and yeah, we all saw the S4 in the Matrix.
***Glossary***
RTFM = I'm an ***, and I don't want to help you, which is why I'm using this acronym you don't understand. Look how cool I am! When you finally ask what this means, ten people will respond with various sexual/offensive definitions that are all hilariously incorrect. I will get a huge kick out of this.
STFA = You probably don't know what this means, either. Anyway, yes, I could answer your question, but I won't. Go spend 30 minutes figuring out that the search engine is completely useless, and then return to explain as much. Still want the answer? RTFM. (Hilarious!)
AID: Essentially, this is the size of your e-*****. However, the relationship between AID and e-dick size is inverse. The lower the number, the larger your e-*******. There's a pecking order here at Audiworld, and if you've just gotten here, you're at the back of a hundred-thousand person line. Until there are at least ten thousand people behind you, you are only here for our amusement.
FLAMES: Offensive remarks made by other Audiworlders directed towards other Audiworlders. Throughout the Audiworld boards, flame posts make up about 50% of the total posts. In the B5 S4 forum, that percentage rises to about 100%, this post being the one exception.
PEB: These are the extremist weirdos of the S4 world. Their system of beliefs centers around sacrificial rituals that beseech their stupid porcine deity to bless their cars with so-called "Piggie Power." Their group is headed up by a reclusive pig-loving genius that never answers his emails (ever), known only as Mr. Piggy. Their holy texts are the Book of Lemmiwinks and the Scrolls of Homebrew. PEB members, or "piggies," can be distinguished by the @PEB in their handles as well as images of pig worship in their pic posters or sigs. Because they do little other than tweak their cars in the shadowy confines of a garage, exposure to natural sunlight tends to make them burst in to flames.
1 = !
BOOST GAUGE: A mechanical device born in the deepest levels of Hell and is powered by the misery of its owner. Installing a Boost Gauge will help keep you aware of possible boost leaks. However, because this car is so prone to catastrophic boost leaks, the gauge only serves to reduce your life to nothing more than a series of paralyzing anxiety attacks.
TBB: Don't know what this is? Well guess what, yours is broken, and if you don't fix it *right now* your turbos will explode! I see you're sweating now. Welcome to the wonderful world of S4 ownership. No more happiness for you.
O/T: If Audiworld is Ancient Rome (bear with me), O/T is the Colisseum. Violence. Blood. Death. Russel Crowe. Not for the faint of heart.
<img src="https://forums.audiworld.com/pics/nt.gif"> = Apparently, this means "click here."
BWW: I've taken a lot of cool pictures of either my car or somebody else's car. However, because I'm so artistic (read: ghey) all the images are so slanted they're basically upside down. I don't care what you have to do to view them normally, but if you get hurt, you can't sue -> my AID is lower than yours, bish.
NOS: aka N2O, nitrous, or NAWZZZZZ. Makes your car so fast the world blurs around you. While NOS is usually relatively safe, it will become extremely dangerous if shot at by an asian dude with an Uzi.
PWND: When this is said to you, it means that somebody has made you their bitch. When you have been PWND, you are required to post pics of boobies. That said, nobody really knows how to pronounce this.
)
