Ray Calvo
10-05-2000, 08:11 PM
(previous ones were for last week)
----------------------------
Subject: FW: NEW VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto
dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.
(FOR GOD'S SAKES, ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!)
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files,
changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: Teddies
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her ... they kiss ... and then they rip
each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: National Security Memo
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or
www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to"keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 34 1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely,
Bill
--
2 rules for success: #1 Don't tell everything you know.
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fwd: The Practice
Two doctors opened their office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and *******s." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts,"
"Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
They finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: Bless The Consultants
Last week, I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in
their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order, I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If each of our
personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
I was rather impressed; and continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"
"Oh, certainly!," he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...you know ...we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76%."
"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: BLONDES
ONLY A BLONDE CAN MAKE YOUR DAY FULL OF LAUGHTER
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?"The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Something to Smile About
Serves Him Right
An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, We only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ END ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------------------------
Subject: FW: NEW VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto
dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.
(FOR GOD'S SAKES, ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!)
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files,
changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: Teddies
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her ... they kiss ... and then they rip
each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: National Security Memo
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or
www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to"keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 34 1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely,
Bill
--
2 rules for success: #1 Don't tell everything you know.
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fwd: The Practice
Two doctors opened their office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and *******s." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts,"
"Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
They finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: Bless The Consultants
Last week, I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in
their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order, I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If each of our
personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
I was rather impressed; and continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"
"Oh, certainly!," he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...you know ...we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76%."
"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: BLONDES
ONLY A BLONDE CAN MAKE YOUR DAY FULL OF LAUGHTER
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?"The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Something to Smile About
Serves Him Right
An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, We only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ END ~~~~~~~~~~~~~