1. Something to put a fire out. They're $15, so once a year -- no matter how well-charged the gauge says it is -- I take it out of the car and use a pulley, some duct tape, and a kevlar line to booby trap my best friend's front door. Just the right amount of time to keep the car extinguisher fresh, just the right amount of time for my buddy to forget.

2. Something to get out of the car with in the event that the doors aren't an option. I like the Stanley Fat Max because it makes women think I'm a fireman. Hell, it makes me think that.

3. Long-burning very bright LED flashlight. Handy, of course, and also a non-lethal weapon -- if it's strong enough, you can temporarily blind someone with it.

4. Pepper spray. I've broken up two very heated road rage conversations I stumbled on by getting out of my car and suggesting to the gentlemen involved that I'd hose them down if they didn't get in their cars and leave. They put aside their differences on both occasions and drove away. Much better than getting out with a handgun or a big Maglite -- the dinky little canister doesn't threaten anyone enough to cause them to turn on you. Now that I've said that, the next guy will ventilate me with a zip gun. Damn.

5. Chocolate? Indispensable. Say you're on a Thanksgiving road trip with your skeezer and she's starting to bust your chops on the way home about watching so much football with her brothers instead of talking to her mom. Just as she's getting warmed up, you break out the handsome bar. End of discussion.

Also, if you're driving past cheerleaders raising money with a carwash, you can tie it on your bumper and troll. I'm not saying it's right -- I'm just saying it can be done.



6. And the condoms? No, not for that, can't stand 'em. But if the apocalypse comes, and the grocery trucks stop running, people will want a respite from the mayhem and grief. In concentration camps, the singer always gets an extra crust of bread. In prison, the funny guy never has to pick up the soap in the shower. People will always break you off a ham and cheese sandwich after you've blown up a love glove on your noggin.



I hope this has been instructive for the younger fellows who were not Eagle Scouts (on mushrooms). That is all.

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